Devils Journal

I think it is safe to say for the first time in my life I have beaten my addiction to coca-cola. This has been a recuring theme for many years with me trying to kick the habbit and never quite managing it but I think it is safe to say this time I have managed it. I am drink mostly squash at the moment with the occational fruit shoot or water as the only things I really drink at the moment.

Yesterday I bought my first proper goth outfit for about 3 years and when I first tried it on it was a bit tight but I decided I'd get it anyway as it would encourage me to loss weight and to my suprise when I tried it on yesterday it fit and lost much of its tightness. So I am slowly lossing weight again. I don't know if that is because of stress or because i cycle or walk to work. Hopefully giving up coke will make the difference which everyone says it should.

I'll post pictures of the new outfit when I get a chance probably won't be for a few weeks. Anyway I had better go, I'll post more later today or tomorrow. Until the 21st my Mobile is probably not going to be working so people will need to either use MSN, E-Mail or my Landline until then. This is because I have been unable to pay my mobile phone bill this month, but more on that later.

It has been a very long time since I posted here and even longer since I posted here with real feeling. The events of the last few months have left me broken, drained and deeply troubled and last night I finally broke. It was painful a pain which I can't even begin to try to describe but what I realise now is that sometimes these things have to happen. Part of me shattered in to a million pieces as I reaslised I could no longer cope with the world around me. Now I have not left Gummie yet and nor do I plan to. The last few months have been very difficult, a lack of communications can kill you and this has become very apparent. Part of the problem has been she and I have stopped talking but in a way I think I have stopped talking to everyone which might be as it should be at least for the time being. She and I came very close to parting ways last night but we talked, talked properly for the first time in months.

Now I have broken I need to start to rebuild and pull myself back together again. I have lost my spirituality, I have lost a large parts of my idenity as an individual, in fact I have lost much over the course of the last year. So now I think I want to rebuild. I think the timing for me to break is all wrong. A few more weeks I'd have liked but I think looking at the Calendar, knowing that I have Samhain away from the Office, the timing is good from a Spiritual stand point. I think for the next few weeks I am going to avoid as much of the world as I possibly can. I'll still need work, I happen to like what I am doing and thats important. I need to make more of an effort with my home life, I need to find how to talk with gummie again. If I can't talk to her then I can't possibly hope to keep things going at home.

I think I am going to have to take small steps so I can take larger steps later. I am still very much shell shocked at breaking yesterday, it was not my intent but at least its happened now, its not something I have to be afraid of any more. I think that has dragged me down as much as anything. Everyone around me has said I couldn't keep going forever which I suppose in a way added an extra burden to know that I would one day come to this.

I have spent most of this evening trying to formulate a plan in my head on how best I need to move everything forward. I have responsibilities now and that to be honest scares the crap out of me as much as everything else. I need to over come my fears now or else things could get far worse than they are at the moment and the me breaking might become more of a process than the one off event which I am hopping it is at the moment.

I am troubled but with a bit of luck and focus I can get through all this and come out of the other side. I have a few things which I am going to try to get done before Samhain on Wednesday. I want to reclaim my space at home and I want to start meditating again. This is something I have not done for a very long time and if I want to start practicing magic again with success I need to get back to grips with the basics again. I've lost my empathy which I am sure is the biggest sign of just how far things have gone I don't know if I will one day get that back or if I am now to old, to jaded to be able to recover that again.

As always time moves against me and I need to finish up. Work is almost over for another night and I need to get packed up so I can go home and sleep most of the day away. I've been sleeping far to much just recently but then that is all I have wanted to do. I think it is my bodys way of managing the stress which I have repeatedly put on it and my minds way of escaping these dark times. I am going to be posting quite a bit over the next few weeks, I need to start trying to make best sense of all my thoughts and plot a course forward. As I find I can't really talk to anyone about it, may be, just may be I can do it on my own by writing some of it down. At least that way I can look back it again in the months to come and see just how far I might have come.