Devils Journal

Adulthood Poem

2009-04-02T23:18:38Z

This sums up a lot of what I’ve been thinking of late. Its amazing how the answer just falls out of a book when you least expect it.

Adulthood
by Elizabth Barrette

You crept, you crawled, you walked at last you ran,
Through childhood as if it were a race.
As those before, each woman and each man,
You find yourself between-times, out of pace.

From Samhain ‘round to Yule the years have swung
And Carried all before them, like a tide:
Now you are grown, who yesterday were young,
And come to cross the threshold with your stride.

Today you are an adult, but newly made:
Your kind and tribe will guide you as you learn
How best to be yourself, and unafraid,
To hold your heart on high and let it burn.

You hold the greatest gift — to bring forth new life-
So use it well, for joy and not for strife.

Heading Back

2009-03-26T01:49:29Z

Well, I’m on a flight headed back to the UK after what has been an interesting trip. its going to be an uncomfortable flight back unfortunately. The down side of flying American is the in-flight entertainment is shockingly bad, there’s no decent power points and no pissing room. I think I’ll make it a point to fly continental next time. That said I’ve not ruled out trying BA or Delta for my next trip. Yes, there are going to be more trips to the states, more on that in a minute.

I may not have got what I wanted out of this trip but I think I am developing a better understanding of who I am even if I am not completely sure what I want out of life at the moment. Like I say I have 35 years of my productive life to think about it, come up with a solution and go for it. I do know that the US is somewhere where I personally would want to live and move to although I stress I’d personally stick to or at least very close to the large cities. I think its something to aim for although like everything its going to take time and time is thankfully something I have.

The highlight of my trip was my detour on the way home to meet up with status_quo. One of those people who has helped maintain my sanity over the years and has helped keep me reminded of where I belong. As much as anything I shall be back out here to see her and her wonderful husband. The pair of them made me feel very welcome in Dallas as well as sending me off with a full belly for the long flight home. Airline food is not something I enjoy, although the free soda is always welcome.

So my plans for the next few months are now slightly different although not to different from where they were. I shall aim to be back in the states in July time looking at the Calendar. In the mean time I need to focus on clearing my debts, sorting the house and bring my life back to some sort of order. I have the Download Festival to look forward to in June, a night in London at Slimlight in April to celebrate a friends birthday. Other plans include learning to drive over the coming weeks. I also suspect that I’ll reconnect with the S/m and Fetish scene back in the UK. I’m missing that sense of community that has always come with it. So to say life will be quiet in the coming weeks would be a complete lie. I’m gonna keep busy and keep pushing myself forward.

I have just one other goal which I plan to focus on when I get back and that’s a focus on losing another 2“ - 4“ (Inches) off my waist and/or to shift another stone in weight. I am very determined to go in to the Summer looking as hot as I can do. The new hair style has generally met with a good reception and I think for the coming months at least I shall keep the two mowies and the very short sides and middle. As people keep saying, its very Wolverine like, I’ll take the compliment for what it is and run with it. If I can sort the body out to go with it... Go me *grins*

I am going home with a lot to think about without doubt as I think I have reflected on in previous journal entries. The last year and I think the remainder of the coming year has been and will be a period of great change and my sole goal at this stage will be to survive it all. I am planning to continue stripping my life back, the amount of stuff I own I want to carry on reducing. I want to be more mobile, less focused on material stuff and more focused on me and the future.

I think for the immediate few weeks I am going to make myself more unavailable and try spending some more of my free time at home or at the gym. Keep out of trouble, save money and spend sometime relaxing. My single biggest purchase for me while I was away was the Guitar Hero 3 and Areosmith bundle for the Mac and the PC. This is a game which will keep me home and keep me occupied for many hours to come. I also picked up the latest Pokemon game (Pokemon Platinum) for the DS. I think I now have quite the glut of Games to keep my occupied as well. Right now I have on the go Zelda and Pokemon on the DS and Guitar Hero on my laptop. I also have quite the backlog of Books to read which includes ”You Suck“ by Christopher Moore and the NightWatch Trilogy as well as the books I had left over from my last trip to the US and Christmas. So if I am bitchin about having nothing to do people should really refer me to this journal entry and remind me what I have decided that I am setting out to do.

Right now I have some immediate goals to aim for and lots to think about I had better go. UK time its the middle of the night. I have work in the evening almost as soon as I jump off the plane. So the next 24 hours are going to be horribly long and really quite depressing. I shall welcome a comfortable nights sleep and I am looking forward to a night at the pub on Friday. If I feel inspired in the next few days I shall write more.

Once again to status_quo... Thank you oh so much for a wonderful time in Dallas.... I shall be back as soon as I can and as soon as you’re ready to have me!

My Enthralment to Passion

2009-03-17T05:47:00Z

Passion
Passion: It lies in all of us, sleeping, waiting...
And though unwanted, unbidden,
it will stir, open its jaws and howl.
it speaks to us, guides us
Passion rules us all and we obey.
What other choice do we have?

Passion is the source of our finest moments:
The joy of love, the clarity of hatred, and the ecstasy of grief.
It hurts sometimes more than we can bear.
If we could live without passion maybe we'd know some kind of peace, but we would be hollow:
Empty rooms shuttered and dank.
Without passion we'd be truly dead.

Never has a TV show quote echoed so loudly in my life. As my life and my love seem to hurtle so quickly like on-coming freight trains travelling on the same tracks. As someone who has always allowed his passions to rule his life I find myself groping in the dark of the unknown contemplating my future. Many of my questions surrounding adulthood and my lack of understanding of concepts which until recently I always thought I’d had a pretty good understanding of. My life has turned itself upside down in the name of love, this has happened before and it seems for right or for wrong it’s a “choice” I am prepared to make again.

It seems I have many lesson which I need to learn again including the basics of how to be a gentleman and how to have outstanding good manners. These are things which for whatever reason I have chosen to forget. I was asked one of the most painful questions which anyone can ask of me and it’s a question which keeps recurring as of late. “What are my plans for the future?” and “What are my goals in life?” These are painful questions for me because I have no answer for them at the moment. I have let myself be ruled by passion, to be of the moment in almost all things that I do.

My goals in life have always been simple up till now, almost tribal/caveman like. Food, Shelter and to a lesser extent clothing, on top of that these days I guess riding the bike and petrol factor in there. Having let myself be ruled by my passions has left some holes in my life or at least has left me lacking on thoughts associated with my future. I always went looking for small goals in life, learning to ride, holding down the job I have and keeping the roof over my head. I’ve never had to contemplate much beyond a week a head much less my future or what I plan to do with my life. I have achieved much of what I set out to do with my life. I think the exception is that I still haven’t joined the mile high club (this is still on the to-do list of things that I really want to do just to be able to say.... Been there, literally done that.) A career was never something that gripped me, something I have put down to having a short attention span. Again something born out of my allowing myself to becoming a slave to passion in its many forms.

I think my enthralment to passion has been both a strength and a weakness in my life. Right now all I can see is the weaknesses that it has caused to the foundations to who I am and the damage it has caused to my desire to love and be loved. I find myself doing much soul search at the moment, looking for answers and a desire to meet the challenges ahead with a clear mind and a clear idea of what I want. As my future seems to have become a recurring topic for those in my life maybe it is about time I started to consider it. “Who are you? Where are you going? What do you want?” Probably three of the most thought provoking and fundamental questions which I now need to consider. I thought I knew but recent events are now forcing me to question, think and reconsider my position on all of these things.

Are you still afraid of the Dark?

2009-03-15T00:54:51Z

This is because I am. Actually I think the bigger question is why am I so scared of growing up? Actually what defines a grown up or an adult? 1000 years ago we had rights of passage, new body piercings or tattoos, gifts, fire, partying and dancing. These things are lost from modern society. I think I’ve documented this somewhere in previous journal entries. The recent thought that I may not be as “grown up” as I could be does need to be thought out and considered. Maybe the biggest question vexing me at the moment is what makes an adult. Is it someone who holds down a job, are you magically an adult when the law decides your an adult. What is the magic point at which you are an adult?

I suppose my next question is do I need to be an adult? I know my present relationship would dictate an unequivocal yes. Of course right now I look somewhere between 18 and 21. Actually have a look at the picture below. Do we both look a very similar age? If we do it would be very disturbing the age difference is almost exactly 10 years give or take a few months.

The questions regarding adulthood and my position within society are probably going to circulate for a few more days to come. I can only hope for an epiphany either that or maybe I need to go grab a coming of age tattoo as a right of passage and get with the partying, the fire and the drums. Hey throw in the sex as well and I’d say we have one hell of a good time.

The Evolution of image...

2009-03-12T19:10:50Z

Well since I last posted there has been quite a number of changes mostly in the way I look to be fair and the odd discovery as well. Life is keeping me on my toes and I’m loving every minute of it as that’s the person I seem to have become. The changes in how I look are quite big aside from a little more weight lose I’ve had almost all my hair cut off and for the most part everyone approves. It does look great when its all spiked up and you get the two small mowi’s down either side of my head. I’ve actually spent a small amount in nice clothes recently and the biggest change is I am no longer wearing glasses. I’ve made the move to contact lenses and its been absolutely great. I look an awful lot better for it too. It was fun going in to work and being asked if I was wearing coloured contacts as no one had realised I had blue/green eyes.

Made I’ve grown up a little bit as how I look has become hugely important to me in recent months. Of course that said I still refuse to conform to anything anyone considers normal these days. I guess I’m just stubborn in that regard. The perpetual teenager, actually that’s one of the scary things is I look a hell of a lot younger since I had all my hair cut off. Now this isn’t a good thing as I’ve already had problems convincing people I’m 28 and now people think I’m about 20. *sighs* Thank the goddess for my Photo ID Drivers License is all I can say.

I’m hoping my trip away will lead to some nice photo’s of me which I can put up on here and FaceBook. OK this is on a plane and I’m soon going to run out of battery power. I’ll post more when I get down on the ground and have good solid net access again. Back off to see my girlfriend again. I need to make this work...

Bad few week... Fresh Start...

2009-02-03T03:21:04Z

OK... It’s been a bad few weeks there is no doubt about it. The loss of two friends (sorry the other friend didn’t make it for a full post but RIP Skinhead Anthony who died 20th January 2009) in the space of as many days was actually quite devastating. The loss of Steve forced me to take a leave of absence from work while I sorted out my head a little. The Doctor signed me off with stress for two weeks so that I could get my bike sorted out and move house and deal with the two deaths so close to one another. No... I’m no closer to sorting out my head but more on that later.

Yes I have moved house in the last two weeks and I no longer have any pets at all. The last of my pet my Ginger Tom cat was re-homed about two weeks ago. The lack of responsibility to another animal is quite liberating. Actually everything of late has been designed to make me feel more liberated. I’ve thrown a quarter of my former lives in to bin bags and taken them down to the dump. My plans are for at least another half of my life to go the same way.

When I was out in Cambridge just after failing my motorbike test there was a guy there who’d dropped in to see my instructor. He looked at me and said some pretty sound things to me. He summed up my riding which was pretty accurate and maybe still is. He also said probably one of the most profound things anybody has said to me in a long time. He told me “All you really need in this life is what you can take with you on your motorbike.” I spent quite a bit of time thinking about it just before I went off to Arizona and then when I got back. He is absolutely right or at least where I am concerned and where my life is concerned he is absolutely right. I have to much clutter and crap in my life and I want it gone. The stuff I have already got rid of was completely liberating and was very much a case of waving goodbye to my past as the person who collected that stuff isn’t the same person sitting here and writing this entry.

Speaking of bikes I’ve also sourced my first big bike. I’m now the owner of of a black and purple Suzuki GSX 750-F on a 92 plate. Its spent the last week at my mechanics being checked over and he’s been making her road worthy for me so that she’ll pass her MOT (Annual Road Safety Certificate for those who read this from other counties). Hopefully he’ll let me have my bike back tomorrow. I went to see him today and he refused and then pointed to the white stuff which was laying on the ground and said until that’s gone I’m not having my bike back. I guess its nice to know there are still people out there who care enough to stop me from doing some of the stupidest things.

Well I’m gonna go off... I probably have more that I want to write but right now I need to head to bed and get some sleep. In relation to my head... No I’m no closer to getting that sorted out but more on that in another post.

Passing of an old friend...

2009-01-18T12:05:28Z

R.I.P. Steve aka netwOrm died Sunday 18th January 2009 at 5:10am

I’m really sorry my blog has been a bit grim lately and this entry I’m afraid will be no exception to the recent trend. I need to say my final farewells to the most influential person on my adult life and the only man I have ever fallen in love with. netwOrm/Lord_Kitty_Lemon aka Steve died early this morning around 5:10 am. I know I shall miss him greatly and I know he will be sorely missed both across the scene and far beyond. He had a unique ability to touch the people he met in real life and those he encountered online.

There is so much more I would like to write about this unique man but words least of all those of mine, a past lover with a small light carried still, can do him justice. I hope he rest peacefully and finds what he has spent many years looking for.

Special thanks to sttatus_quo for waiting telling me. I know I want to write more but right now I shall leave it and come back to it later in the week. Right now this is just to raw to deal with. So much for that nice positive up beat entry I had in mind when I first got up this morning... That will again have to come later.

The Passing of an Animal Friend

2009-01-09T00:36:34Z

Rest in Peace Humbug Bunny Maynard - Passed 2:50pm Thursday 8th January 2009

The last two days have been exceptionally tough days for me. I came home yesterday to find my black and white Dutch Rabbit Humbug looking very sick and behaving very strangely. This resulted in her and I running off to the Vets after she lost most of her body weight in only a few days. The vet took her in over night and gave her some emergency care. As it turned out the poor girl had been hiding a golf ball sized tumour in her gut area. The vet gave me several options but laid it on the line and said the best thing I could do was put her to sleep. Which is what happened this afternoon. I held humbug and comforted her while the vet put her to sleep. It was all very peaceful and she went very quickly.

She was my bunny and I’d had her since she was a very young bunny I loved her and I will sorely miss her. I think that’s pretty much it for me and animals. There are Humbug’s two Guinea Pigs left now and I’m trying to decide if I am going to re-home them or keep them. I think I’ll make that decision after the weekend.

P.S. Yes that was her full name as registered with the vets.

The Girl

2008-12-07T23:13:03Z

So what of the Girl... I know I’ve spoken and written about her an awful lot but I thought it was time I shared a bit about her. To me she is my world, if I am completely honest she has actually been my world for quite a few weeks now. To me she is a stunning beauty who I’d give my life for and I’ve found myself completely in love with her.

I know by saying this I’m actually betraying something I’ve always insisted about myself and part of how I’ve defined myself over the years but I think for her I could be one woman guy. This isn’t a betrayal of my sexuality or my life style as such I will always be bi but with her I don’t find myself wishing for the other side of things. It helps in a way that she is bi as well.

She and I spend most our time on the same page. Sometimes I mess up and find myself not just on a different page but in a completely different book. I hope she can forgive me for that sometimes and will be tolerant of me when I do that. She thinks faster than I do. To say she is a clever bunny is a bit of understatement.

She and I share similar interests in books and movies but I think we’re gonna have to learn to meet half way when it comes to music. We also both love to cook as you can see on her LiveJournal page.

So here I am madly in love with a girl some 5000 miles away in another country on another continent. She is no magic user but she is by the most magical thing in my life and has very much renewed my belief in magic.

It's been a while

2008-12-02T12:29:06Z

Here I am, sitting and writing this at Houston International Airport after what has been the most wonderful time of my life. In the last week I did the craziest thing imaginable and jumped on a plane to meet a girl and to celebrate that little American tradition of Thanksgiving. I met the girl, celebrated thanksgiving and fell madly and deeply in love. Who’d have thought it, me, in love, not likely and yet here I am.

I’ve had the most wonderful break from the horrid routine I’d developed in Ipswich. I am headed back to the UK but I’m not headed home. Home is in the other direction and soon I’ll be back but its just going to take a little bit of time. I am making plans and I’ll have to adapt my attitude a bit when I get back especially where work is concerned. I need my present job to get the bills paid, get the debts cleared and to carry on paying for plane tickets. The next few months are going to be expensive and I’m going to be pretty broke but the end result will be a debt free me who can up and move with no worries.

Looking to the future I am going to have to start looking for a new job in a new country and that is going to be no easy feat but I shall endeavour and persevere until I can be with the one I love. Then the other issue with this move is that I am moving to a country where I am going to require a visa in order to stay and work in the country. So there is a huge amount of work to do and I am going to need every ounce of strength and support I can get. I think in a n effort to make myself more marketable I think I’ll undertake and finish my Certificate in Insurance as well as learning to drive. Anything I can do to improve my chances of getting a new job in the US will be an added bonus.

So 5 years after I got back to the UK it looks like I am off again. A whole new adventure. From what little I saw of the US and its people it is a place where I am going to be OK with plenty of places to explore and a girl who is unbelievably similar in personality to me. We have our differences well we need to after all we share the same name so something has to tell us apart.

I need to get going. I’ve a few hours to kill and I’d like to chill for a bit and watch a dvd and try to escape everything I am feeling and thinking. I’m back to posting again and I have lots of news to share of things gone by and things which are coming up. I’ll write more soon.

Broken Pain Threshold

2008-09-17T03:36:31Z

It seems I have either lost contact with my body or my body’s ability to process and understand has failed. I started thinking about this after my bike accident when I walked out of hospital two weeks ago. Yesterday I underwent a frenuloplasty operation at Ipswich Hospital and still I’ve not actually needed any pain killers. It hasn’t hurt at all which in some ways has completely disappointed my masochistic side. Very little seems to hurt any more and I’m not really sure what to do about it. Is it possible to break your body/mind so much that it stops feeling pain? This might be something I need to play around with a bit but I need to find constructive ways to explore my pain threshold as opposed to destructive ones such as self harm. I won’t lie as a masochist I am seriously worried about it. What on earth am I going to do if I can’t feel pain any more? There’s very little else to remind me that I am in fact human at times without those little painful reminders that I am mortal and things can hurt and they can and do sometimes break.

What I was saying about new chapters the other day I think came with a very unexpected side effect... I think I’ve been forced to grow up at long last, the house is almost tidy and homely, I’m sleeping in a well made bed as apposed to something more resembling a nest than a bed and I’m being more mature. I’ll be honest and say it’s scaring the crap out of me. I guess these things were inevitable with time I just hope I don’t loose my youth with it.

I can’t help thinking this might be a side effect of my biking accident and it’s my minds way of dealing with everything at the moment. Tomorrow/Today I’ll get to go back on my bike after my operation on Monday and with a bit of luck my new bike trousers will turn up.

Special thanks to the thehollowmen for the following quote which I think does rather nicely describe me and I figured I’d share it...

Four wheels on the tarmac moves the body.
Two wheels on the tarmac moves the soul.
One wheel on the tarmac moves the heart.
No wheels on the tarmac moves the ambulance.

Time to run... If I get to sleep now I can get up in a few hours and get out there on my bike and enjoy the day *grins*

All recovered...

2008-09-14T23:29:01Z

Its taken two weeks since I had my bike accident but I am back on my bike and I think riding it slightly better than I was before. I am at least quicker to pull myself from what I see as a possibly dangerous situation. The broken bones are pretty much healed although my hand still hurts quite a bit, it’s not unbearable and I am able to cope with it without any pain killers. I think my main injury of it was not being able to ride my bike or go to the gym. I am hoping to get the final all clear from the fracture clinic a week on Monday so all going well I’ll officially be back to normal and can go back to going to the gym 6 times a week *grins*

This last week has seen the passing of a whole chapter of my life which ended with the same person it started with, this time with probably the right decisions being made. The vanilla world is now closed to me and its time I sorted everything out and moved on. I am a little sad but at least I walk away with the understanding that I didn’t have before and for the first time in my life when I look at my lifestyle I don’t find myself thinking I am missing out on something. The things I thought I was missing turned out weren’t missing at all but fairly damaging for me and in the process of the dying embers of it all I found a part of me which I didn’t even known I was missing.

Socially my life is still very tied to very vanilla people and very vanilla ways of thinking and I think one of the more painful aspects of all of this will be walking slowly away from that. Trying to balance the Vanilla World, Me and the Scene is an act which is tricky at best and one which I don’t think I can do any more. I think I should leave my contact with the vanilla world to those very close friendships I have now and my work life. It is high time I got back out there, met people and started to build new social circles with a firm base in the scene.

So here I am on the other side of it all a little sad and fairly lonely but I know that will pass with time. I need to rebuild my life and lifestyle again. I’ve been putting this off for far to long now and there is for the first time a clear path and a plan of the things which I need to do and get done.

Well I guess I need to go, I have a hospital appointment tomorrow in the morning to get something done I’ve been putting off for 3 years now. Why is it new chapters in my life always begin with pain of one sort or another? Pain and Blood, good themes for a life I guess. They seem to recur in my life of that there is no doubt.

Finding Freedom

2008-08-28T06:20:50Z

It seems my life has rather gone full circle now. A girl whom I dated for a few weeks about 4 years ago has re-entered my life and there’s still a spark there. I’m not sure what’s there but there is something that’s for sure. It was thanks to this girl and the introductions she made that the current chapter of my life started which resulted in a relationship which lasted 3 years and that’s when life got messy. It is fun and a little ironic.

As for finding freedom, I have also found a little bit of contentment. As pretty much everyone knows now I have been working on my motorcycle license which has been put off until October. In hearing my plight a friend of mine got me in contact with a friend of his who had a little 125cc bike going really cheap. As it turns out the bike was an absolute steal at £420. The bike had done less than 2000 miles and was an AY 56 plate which is pretty recent. She goes, she’s not a 500cc+ bike sadly so she’s not very powerful but she’s given me freedom and let me find myself or at least a very large bit of me that has been missing.

I think the thing which has surprised people is the fact I have a trail bike. I dunno why this has come as such a shock to people but it has. The trail bike is fun though, I am looking forward to taking it off road may be in a few days time when I next have a day or two off. More important trips include heading over to Cambridge to see if its economical in both terms of time and money to take the bike out there for my lessons rather than taking the train. I also need to spend sometime on busy A roads so I can extend the places I can get to on the bike. Right now I keep limiting myself to City roads and country roads but I’ll have to swallow the bullet very soon and get used to the bigger nastier roads. I just wish the bike did more than 65 - 70mph.

I’m still going to the Gym and I’m still loosing weight, I’m now down to a 32“ waist almost but I have a new Gym program and strong instructions to look at my diet, what I eat and when I am eating it. I’m still only drinking diet cola instead of full fat coke and I am now starting to get used to it. The new program is quite intensive. Its a split program 3days, 6 days a week. On day 1 I do Resistance equipment and light abs, day 2 I do heavy cardio and heavy abs and finally on day 3 I do heavy free weights and light abs again. I seriously want to try to get a least some of a six pack by Christmas of course using the motorbike all the time isn’t going help my objectives so I’ll have to see what I can do about that. I’m headed for being a buff sexy devil for the winter. *Grins*

Right I need to run, I need to do a little bit of tidying up and head to bed as I’ve just done a night shift. I think the next few weeks could be very fun and very interesting. Wish me luck *winks*

The Good, the bad, the stupid....

2008-08-03T01:31:11Z

It’s been a very busy few weeks with some rather big emotional extremes. First off rest in peace my friend Vicky who died on Monday 28th July you will be deeply missed and thank you for your support and friendship when I needed it the most these last few months.

I’m presently under taking my Direct Access (DAS) motorcycle course. I eventually passed my CBT and I had no problems passing my motorcycle theory test so it looks like I am good to go in undertaking my practical test which is all booked in for the 18th August. It’s turning out to be great fun and without doubt one of the wiser decisions I’ve made in my life.

This evening I celebrated my birthday early for some close friends and without doubt tonight was evening of extremes. It started well, the meal was great fun and I’m glad people came cause I really enjoyed it. Then things took a turn for the worst when I walked in to a pub and was told I wasn’t welcome of course people didn’t have the guts to tell me to my face I wasn’t welcome. They had to leave that to my poor friend to tell me that. It was low and childish and complete playground tactics and I genuinely thought people were more mature than that and sadly I was wrong. I’ll be honest and say it hurt and point out it put a real downer on the night one which I still haven’t quite shaken even as I write this. I did the mature thing and left without fuss or fight.

I heard down the grape vine my pub was due to re-open this evening so I took the wander across town to check it out and to meet the new landlady and get the lay of the land as it were. The pub was officially closed but the Landlady and some friends of hers were sitting out side having a quiet drink and we all got to talking and I ended up staying with another friend who met me there. We were invited to stay and I had a lot of fun there was made to feel really welcome. The new landlady is very cool and very easy to talk to. We laughed, we talked, we drank it was truly very fun and I’ve been invited back tomorrow night. So I have my second home back and the club house will be re-opening very soon by the looks of things.

The night ended on a happy note and being told I wasn’t welcome somewhere was probably one of the best things which could have happened to me. However it doesn’t change how I felt earlier in the evening. I guess there is still a lot of fall out over what happened in the past. I have no regrets and I know I’ve made the best and right decisions for me I just didn’t realise the fallout was still to come and would come back to haunt me again.

Oh well I have my birthday on Monday too look forward too and my the remainder of my DAS course. I just need to keep my head up but tonight damn well hurt.

Busy times ahead...

2008-07-07T04:22:19Z

OK this is just a recent and upcoming news post. I fear life is going to get hectic over the next few weeks. To begin with I got my bridge pierced (That’s the bit at the top of my nose before anyone asks) last Friday morning this is on top of my lower navel piercing which I did myself on Thursday. My lower navel I think is going to take an age to heal and I may as yet have to take it out and re-pierce it when I have lost a bit more weight. Right now both piercings are a bit sore still but are getting easier. No signs of infection and I am cleaning them twice a day. Im not getting anything else pierced for at least 6 weeks to give my body a chance to catch up and heal.

That brings me on to my next subject. Effective from 6:00am this morning I have given up coca-cola, there is no drinking it down the pub or anywhere else. Not only am I giving up the coke I am also giving up sweets, cakes, cookies and chocolate, in between meal snacking and take aways. For the first time I am determined to start living a healthy lifestyle. This is backed up with daily visits to the gym and making the effort to go swimming two or three times a week. On top of this I am making changes to my eating habits by actually eating regular meals. I am aiming to eat breakfast, lunch and dinner. With a reasonable sized breakfast, small lunch and a normal dinner. This represents the single biggest change to my lifestyle by my own choice for about 10 years.

My motorcycle theory test is booked in for 30th July so I’d have said a good proportion of my focus for the next few weeks will be on passing that or at least attempting to pass that. My motorcycle practical test is booked in for 18th August. I am glad my plans for my bike license are finally moving in the right direction.

I am going to try to get out and be a sociable bunny over the next few weeks as well and get on with sorting out the last of the house and the back garden. But these as always are on going projects and ones which I hope to finally be able to knock on the head in the next two weeks or so. However the majority of my focus is now on learning to ride, my license theory test and working out and loosing weight.

New piercing...

2008-07-03T02:29:33Z

*WD sighs deeply* I think I just choose my path where ever it goes. I just pierced my lower navel and on close inspection in a picture it’s looking OK (picture below). It didn’t hurt and I did it first time with no complications. I can’t really explain what a step this is or the kind of thoughts which are running through my head. I needed to do this to prove I could still do it. I guess I need to go back and rethink things a bit I’ve just broken one of my own rules about my life and my body in that I said I’d never pierce myself that’s all changed now. I don’t know why I haven’t done it before now.

So I achieved the goal which meant I could pierce my lower navel, I’m a 34“ waist my next goal is a 32” waist and to start developing a six pack. I won’t be getting a piercing to mark that goal in my life I don’t think or at least not one in the area of change to my body.

I think I’ve chosen to follow the path of a body piercer/piercee. I don’t know if this will be a professional thing or if this will be a thing I’ll keep between myself, friends and partners. Right now I need to think this through. But as an off the cuff decision for something to do at 3am I am very proud of the results. I’ll wait and see how it turns out over the next few days and see what the general reactions are to placement and stuff. its not too bad considering I had a bad viewing angle at the time.

I need to review placement for body piercings and go back to exploring the whole subject again. This will be a 24 hours with 2 piercings in as I was planning (and I’m still planning to) get the bridge of my nose pierced.

General Post

2008-07-01T03:00:49Z

My motorcycle test is all booked and pretty much paid for. I am going to take the test with a friend of mine I hope provided all goes well over lunch tomorrow. I spoke with Camrider today and all was looking good. I just hope that in the next 24 hours nothing changes to much. Its good not to do this on my own and I welcome the support she gives and the support that I’ll hopefully be able to give to her.

This week has seen some big changes to where things are in my house. I have decided to take back my living area from my animals by moving the Bunnies and the Guniea Pigs down to the kitchen and moving the dinning table up to the living room. My hope is that will reduce the amount of sawdust being tread through the house and it will also give a very nice space to relax in without to many noisy animals now. I am gradually taking back control of the house now that I am home more. I am starting to get on top of keeping the house tidy and stuff. I have a few tasks which must be done this week and these include finishing the tidying of my office space, sorting the garage and the garden and finally just have a general clear up. I need to make space in my office to hold a rat cage as I’ve decided that I miss having rats to much so I am adopting two - three new rats.

The other thing I am planning to do this week is to return back to going to the gym after cracking my wrist the other week after my car accident. It still hurts and I am still spending a lot of time with it strapped up for comfort but it isn’t a good enough reason not to go to the gym.

I have promised myself that after this week I shall start to eat three times a day, I won’t snack and I won’t drink full fat cola so I need to make the best of this week. As of next Monday I shall start to drink Diet cola at the pub and fruit squash and water when I am at home. I know I have said this before but I need to do this, its now holding me back from what I want to do and what I want to look like. I am going to be hell for the next few weeks, I shall try not to take it out on people to much. I am now setting myself the clear goal of becoming a 32“ waist. I am a 34” waist at the moment and I am weighing it at 13 stone (82.5kg / 182 pounds [us]). I am not setting a weight goal as I am more likely to gain weight through exercise than I am likely to loose it right now. I am not going to try to weight gain but I need to be prepared for the fact that as I achieve my goal I may well end up weighing more for the exercise.

So there are some small changes coming and some big changes. I celebrate my years and running from Mid-Summers to Mid-Summers and so for my year has started well with the closing of one chapter and the opening of a few new interesting ones.

RIP Rocko the Rat

2008-06-18T09:16:30Z

Rest in Peace Rocko the Rat adopted from Pets at Home a year ago. Put down today due to his on-going respiratory problems, worsening dermatitis and rapid weight loose. He shall be missed but he’s moved on to somewhere better. He never really recovered from the loose of his brother and hasn’t been happy for a very long time (few months).

I hope I made the right decision by him. The vet said my choices were to try anti-biotics again or to have him put down. I felt it would be unfair and just continually stress him out which is not how I’d like my last days to be and to be fair to him he is an old rat now. He was quite an old rat when he came to live with me. The vet said she doubted if they would make any difference but its one of those things you can try. She did say if you try it and it doesn’t work at least you know you’ve tried everything.

Right I need to get on with my day... to much to do, I shall mourn the loose of my rat later.

Rare moments

2008-06-14T21:42:59Z

This is a rare moment for me or at least is compared to the last year. I am quietly and fairly comfortably sitting at home, in my living room, curled up on my sofa on my own. This is actually a good thing. I can’t remember the last time I actually spent real time at home without me having to do a million and one other things. I mean there are things which I could be doing such as tackling my office space or finishing my room or just giving the living room and kitchen a once over from yesterday.

Yesterday was a complete disaster from the moment I woke up to the moment I went to bed. Gummie came to get the last of what she saw as her stuff ended it by accusing me of 3 years of mental abuse. This is something which has cut me down to my core and something I can’t resolve with myself. I have had a few conversations with both my vanilla and scene friends alike and I am no closer to finding a resolution in my own emotional state. I know it’ll get easier and I know that it was purely said for effect but my goddess what a way to attack someone.

My one question is if there is a chance that’s truly how she sees me and how she saw me should I really be practising BDSM? BDSM isn’t abusive and should never be so but if I have crossed that line and become abusive myself and not realised it then I need to stop even before I have gone back to it. I can’t see what I did which was so bad and so wrong. This is why it is going to take me so long to resolve. Until I’ve sorted myself out I’m going to avoid pulling, relationships and sex.

I need to sort myself out and do a lot of soul searching before I can move on and get things sorted. i thought I was mostly healed from the ordeal of the last three years but clearly I was wrong and I need to take more time over it.

GROWL

2008-06-12T23:54:25Z

Oh while I think about it if you are out there trying to cause me trouble by what I write here then think again! This is directed at my wonderful ex. girlfriend and her very small group of cronies. I am going to post a warning here which I will stand by and action.

IF ANYONE EVER USES THE CONTENTS OF MY JOURNAL TO THREATEN ANYONE IN MY TRIBE OR ANY PERSON CLOSE TO ME THEN I WILL TAKE RETRIBUTION ON THEM AND I WON’T STOP UNTIL THEY REALLY ARE NO MORE.

I am posting this warning as a member of my tribe has twice been threatened in the last week and I am not going to standby and let that happen. For the record get a life and move on, I know I have and I don’t want to do to you what I have done to others in the past.

Mourning Devil!

2008-06-12T23:44:11Z

Its only now I have got around to sitting down to write this but thus far what I am about to write about has over shadowed everything the last few days so I figured I need to put it out there. The pub I have spent so much time over the last year in has shut its doors for the last time as the Landlord and Landlady have decided it’s not working any more and that it is time to move on.

I think the thing which sticks most in my mind will be the loose of my herd as a result. My heard being the people I hang around with as apposed to my tribe who are the people closest to me irrespective of distance. I can’t quite find words to say just what a shock to my system the closure of the pub has been or the far reaching implications it will have on my life. It was my anchor in this place more so than anything else and now that’s gone. Maybe that is the biggest sign which I need to be thinking of moving on again.

It was kinda the stick which broke the camels back as my mood finally crashed out yesterday afternoon. I’m not completely sure which way is up yet or where I am going with my life. Every time I think I have a handle on it something comes and tips the balance. So I’ve gone from maniac devil to depressed devil, I know I’ll get it sorted but right now I am wallowing in my own misery and feeling very much on my own since Gummie and I split up some 3 months ago.

I think I am moving closer to shutting the door on the Tina thing. It’s been fun but what I need in a relationship I don’t think I am going to be able to get from her. I could be running cause it early days and I’m forever scared of letting anyone get to close to me. The alarm bells are there and I can’t quite shake them and I need to listen to what my empathy is telling me and all I’ve got is a warning at the moment. She is such an unknown I think I’d be mad to let her in right now.

Anyway my pub is gone, I’m crushed and mourning the loose of both the pub and my herd as a result. Right now I am waiting to see which direction my herd takes and if I am going to be able to follow them.

Fun weekend

2008-06-08T13:39:52Z

Its been a fun and generally interesting weekend. Strawberry fair was a lot of fun and I got to meet some really interesting people and some of the music on the East Stage was really good. I can only hope that the music at music in the park next week will be equally as good.

The issues highlighted by Gummie on Friday have left me needing to deal with her and resolving my last issues with her so I can truly break free and move on. Cause she leaves it so long between contacting me and the fact she sits there and schemes is annoying to say the least and it did very much tarnish and screw up my planned weekend. I don’t want to fight back and lower myself to her level but I fear at this stage I have no choice. There is a confrontation on the horizon and it’s not going to be pretty for any one involved or anyone around.

Many thanks go out to Drums With Leaves for his magical assistance and intervention on Friday night now all I need to do is get on with the rest of it in a way only I can do.

My life I fear is going to get ever more complicated in terms of love life and relationships and at some stage I may want to hit the breaks and take time out for me to evaluate what I want and what I need. To be honest I am less worried about my love life and far more concerned with other stuff such as my career and my house.

I have enjoyed this weekend and I think the experiences of this weekend have given me food for thought and an opportunity to learn and stuff. I think I do need to find a more reserved me at some point in the near future. Certainly I need to find a calmer me inside myself who can be more focused.

On the bright side today the weather is good here in Cambridge, I hope it is equally good in Ipswich so that my clothes which are out on the line stand a tiny chance of it actually being dry when I get home. Oh yes, I am going home today, I’d love to stay one more night but I need to finish what I started on Friday. My kitchen is still a dump, my living room wasn’t look anywhere near as good as it was when I left and I have no idea what my house mate has done since I left yesterday lunch time. Oh and the animals will all need feeding when I get home again.

Right time to go and get ready. I’m going to go watch last nights Dr Who with the boy and talk for a bit before I need to go find a train to get home.

New Play Toys

2008-06-07T13:04:23Z

Well my friend came back over from Cambridge last night and it has been an interesting time I’m not quite sure how much he likes and trusts me yet and I think he’s someone who needs lots of time to build trust and stuff up. He’s not as intuitive as I am but he’s young and still exploring what for him must be quite a daunting new life.

One of the things I keep loosing sight of at the moment is I’ve been at this a long time the people who started at the same time as me when I was young have mostly dropped away from the scene or grown. Right now I am in the void between those who explore when they are very young and those who come to it later for whatever reason.

I really like this guy he’s quite fun but has quite a bit to learn. He wants to over analyze things which I think I can relate to as I have that tendency as well. I’m learning things from him as well this isn’t a completely one way thing. Talking to him I’m discovering aspects of myself which I had considered and things which I hadn’t thought of. He’s told me I tick many of the boxes to be a furry but we’ve realized that the reason I’m not a furry is I haven’t needed it.

This is the big problem with the way I live my life as no one gets close enough to my core it means I can only learn and explore from brief encounters. It’s going to be a long time before anyone is going to get that close to my core and I know any emotional involvement on my part is something I always try to avoid. Maybe with age my ice core is finally starting to melt.

Right now I am having a hard time controlling my dominant side as it’s itching to be let out and doesn’t like being held back for any reason. I dunno where this sudden interest in the more mental aspects of play has come from? I’ve always been a solid S/m player with no interest in D/s or anything involving emotions or the mental aspects of the stuff those of us on the fetish scene do. This is going to be something which is going to require some thought and soul searching over the next few weeks while I am off on Holiday.

Last night I did encounter a side of myself I’d almost forgotten I had. I refer to it fondly as the beast. As the boy saw I lost the ability to talk and was severally fighting the need to draw blood, claw bite and hurt. Its very scary to have to try to control that completely animalistic tendency something very deep and completely detached from any need for human society or interaction. Maybe this is a glimpse at what has been driving me of late. There is now more emphasis on my more primal and primitive aspects of my personality.

Needless to say I have a lot of thinking to do and I have a lot of stuff to piece together about myself. One this is for sure I think its safe to say that all of me is back. May be a little more damaged than before and having to answer for ignoring so many aspects of myself for so long. We’ll see...

Heading Home

2008-06-04T09:36:45Z

OK so I was meant to head home yesterday night, needless to say as I am writing this on the train home that that didn’t happen. I’d forgotten just how much of a slut my slut side can be. I met a boy at the munch and proceeded to have a really fun night with him. My potent Dom side as always sitting there at the surface. So needless to say last night I played and had a really good time. There is a little bit of me which really hopes I’ll see this guy again. He was really quite cute.

So I’ve played now and had sex which wasn’t as disappointing as the previous two times I’ve had sex. So all in all I think today I am a happy devil if slightly tired. I’m starting to realise I might need S/m more than I need sex. I feel a lot more satisfied than I have done for months. It’s the Dom in me which needs it. Needs worshiping, needs control and surrender from another. oh and it needs another persons pain so deeply and badly.

Of course here I am sitting on the train home and I’m still so f***ing horny! I’m sorta satisfied but I need more, much more. *sighs* again I ask this fairly often will my libido ever be satisfied?

Off to Cambridge

2008-06-03T18:34:10Z

I know there are a lot of these posts of me going off to Cambridge but once again I find myself on the train back off to Cambridge. This time I am actually armed with my laptop and a 3g modem. I am actually off to the local munch. Its one of 4 munches with in traveling distance of where I live. This is the first time I have been to the one in Cambridge. My old haunt used to be the London munch which I am planning on going to at the end of the month.

Of course I am saying this now but I have the starting’ of a relationship with a young 20 year old girl who is unfortunately very vanilla. I dunno quite where its all going, I find myself very attracted to her, the chase is driving me nuts but I can quite seem to drop it and let it be. She’s offered me something no other girl has offered me in the past and thats a partially open relationship. I can see men/boys do what I like with them but when it comes to women I am completely monogamous to her and her to me. That would be fine but I smell a rat as she’s straight and that is the sort of level of understanding I’m not used to finding in anybody. It solves two problems. The first it tackles what is going to be inevitably my need sooner or later for another man and it also tackles my issues relating to S/m. She’s a happy vanilla girl and really isn’t interested in S/m in anyway shape or form. I can really appreciate and respect her for that.

She’s being open and honest or thats how she’s coming across. Which is probably why I am having such serious doubts, I am not used to that level of openness or honest from anyone who I’m trying to date or get together with. My mind is going this is a little to good to be true but my heart on the other hand doesn’t care as its rather taken with this girl. This is always my issue when emotions get involved. I should have made sure this and everything else remained about sex and play.

We’ll see. I am going to the munch this evening and we’ll see how it goes, I am really looking forward to being me with people who stand at least very much a better chance of understand me and where I am coming from. The goal is purely to have fun and get to know people in true Fun Devil style. Its about time I reconnected with the scene again and carried on exploring who I am. You never know the boy of my dreams may turn up there.

Right I am going to close this journal entry and go back to the one which has had me tied up for the last few days. One more thing I’ll add about Tina, she is 120% behind me and the piercing thing, she has her own motive (cheap piercings) but its good to know that the support is there.