Current mood:	numb
Current music:	Linkin Park - Valentine's Day

Rare moments
This is a rare moment for me or at least is compared to the last year. I am quietly and fairly comfortably sitting at home, in my living room, curled up on my sofa on my own. This is actually a good thing. I can’t remember the last time I actually spent real time at home without me having to do a million and one other things. I mean there are things which I could be doing such as tackling my office space or finishing my room or just giving the living room and kitchen a once over from yesterday.

Yesterday was a complete disaster from the moment I woke up to the moment I went to bed. Gummie came to get the last of what she saw as her stuff ended it by accusing me of 3 years of mental abuse. This is something which has cut me down to my core and something I can’t resolve with myself. I have had a few conversations with both my vanilla and scene friends alike and I am no closer to finding a resolution in my own emotional state. I know it’ll get easier and I know that it was purely said for effect but my goddess what a way to attack someone.

My one question is if there is a chance that’s truly how she sees me and how she saw me should I really be practising BDSM? BDSM isn’t abusive and should never be so but if I have crossed that line and become abusive myself and not realised it then I need to stop even before I have gone back to it. I can’t see what I did which was so bad and so wrong. This is why it is going to take me so long to resolve. Until I’ve sorted myself out I’m going to avoid pulling, relationships and sex.

I need to sort myself out and do a lot of soul searching before I can move on and get things sorted. i thought I was mostly healed from the ordeal of the last three years but clearly I was wrong and I need to take more time over it.